Hitting the Wall

She stood there, just looking at the wall. It was monstrous…solid…black…ugly…and it stretched as far as she could see. She knew where she had been — the dark places and experiences behind her. She didn’t want to go back there! It had been a difficult journey at times, full of desolate valleys, craggy mountains, treacherous rivers, dangerous forests, and dark, scary corners. But she made it this far — with the help of kind, caring souls along the way. She had come too far to turn back and needed to press on, but now this!

There’s got to be a way, she thought. She turned to her left, walking next to the wall, on and on for days. It was exhausting, but it had to end somewhere, right? She spotted a sign posted on the wall, hoping it contained some direction or guidance.

The sign read: STOP! To continue in this direction is useless. Go back and try again.

Frustrated, she returned to her starting point. At least she knew going left wouldn’t work; she turned to her right instead, following along the wall for days. Once again, she came across a sign: STOP! To continue in this direction is useless. Go back and try again.

Now she knew going to the right wasn’t the answer either. She returned to her starting place, armed with new information.

Upon her return, she found a shovel. Maybe I can dig underneath it, she thought. She dug until her hands blistered; she was dirty and sweaty from the hard work. She saw the edge of a sign and uncovered it. STOP! To continue in this direction is useless. Go back and try again. She was tired, frustrated, angry and confused. Her options diminished with each failed attempt. She thought about quitting, but decided to rest before beginning again.

She awoke from her respite, feeling rejuvenated. A ladder was propped against the wall next to her. That’s it! I can climb over the wall! She ascended with new enthusiasm, certain of her path. She climbed higher and higher until she could no longer see her starting place. On the wall, she found a sign: STOP! To continue in this direction is useless. Go back and try again.

She wanted to scream! She tried left. She tried right. She dug underneath, and climbed up. What other ways were there for her to try? She felt hopeless as she descended the ladder. She had all this information about the things that didn’t work, but the remedy, the antidote, the solution, the path eluded her. Nothing made sense anymore.

When she reached the bottom, she found herself surrounded by balloons. Each balloon, all different and unique, had a word written on it as well as a string attached for her to hold. She grabbed a balloon nearby and pulled it closer to read the word. The first word was Tears.

That’s odd, she thought, but as she held the balloon, long-buried feelings welled up in her and spilled out in the form of tears. After the tears, she felt better….relieved, and ready to move on. The second balloon was inscribed with Willingness. She had certainly demonstrated her willingness! Left! Right! Down! Up! What was next?

The next two balloons were connected: Strength and Courage. She realized from the beginning she would need both in equal parts for the rest of her journey. The fifth balloon had the word Grief written on it. The feelings returned: sadness, fear and shame. They weren’t all hers, but she had to feel them before she could reach the next balloon.

Ahhh….this one would help…..Perseverance. She was encouraged to continue. Next came Hope. She couldn’t have reached this one without the others before it. She could see how they were all linked….in the perfect order…..arriving at the perfect time.

It took longer to reach for the next balloon. She didn’t grasp it as readily or easily as the others. So much of her journey had blocked it from her, but as soon as she could, she grabbed onto Self-Love and held it tightly against her. Once she possessed that one, she didn’t want to let it go. Forgiveness followed closely behind. She was able to look back over her journey to see that she needed to make all those stops, cross all those rivers, and climb all those mountains to get to this place. She needed to go left and right, up and down to become who she was. And even those who had hurt her along the way had a part in the creation of who she way today. Because Self-Love came before Forgiveness, she was able to let those people and old hurts go.

The last balloon was Acceptance. With this one she was able to accept herself, all of her, her past and her present exactly as they were. She knew it was all a gift.

She stood next to the wall, holding her balloons, enjoying the peace and serenity that came with them. She saw a tiny sign on the wall that was previously undetected. The sign said: The only way out is through.

She held onto her balloons and stepped through the wall to freedom.

Have you struggled with an issue, trying to find a solution? Have you been frustrated by failed attempts to understand or “fix” it? Sometimes, you have too much information to go back, but not enough to move forward. It may be that the only way out is through.

Have you been there?

Be Your Own Valentine

Image via Wikipedia

Valentine’s Day is around the corner and advertisements abound with ideas for your loved one. Chocolates, jewelry, greetings cards and flowers are the ingredients for a perfect day…for your beloved. Shower them with presents so they know how you feel. That’s fine, but what about you?

YOU are the only person you will never leave, and who will never leave you.

Think about it. Spouses, children, family and friends come and go. Some leave by choice; others due to the natural order of things. Sometimes it’s your choice; sometimes it’s theirs. Even when there is deep love, people don’t (or can’t) stick around. My parents adored each other, but my mother died in 2005 leaving my father alone until he passed last year. My point is that you can’t depend on other people for YOUR happiness.

So, what about you? Where does your happiness, your joy come from?

For years, I twisted myself into a pretzel to be what others wanted me to be. I had no sense of self, and all of my self-worth came from them. If they were happy, I was happy. Once I realized that my priorities were skewed, I changed.

I learned about boundaries and self-care. I learned how to detach from others’ attitudes and actions. I learned to trust myself and my God. It’s not always easy and I still make lots of mistakes, but I have made great strides in the area of self-love.

I started with self-acceptance. Since I was pretty much last on my list of people I liked (much less loved), I started with little things. Like my fingernails. I have great fingernails. They’re strong. They rarely break, and never split or crack. They look fabulous whether I have on polish or not. It was a good place to begin.

Self-acceptance had to include more than just my fingernails, however. I had to embrace everything about myself — the yucky bits as well as my fingernails. I had to accept myself, warts and all (that’s a metaphor…I don’t have warts!), if I was going to achieve self-love. I learned this from my children. I knew I loved them completely, without reservation or hesitation. I didn’t always like their actions, but I loved them. The same way God loves me. When I accept myself as I am, I honor God’s creation.

As my self-acceptance grew, I became more ME; I wasn’t worried about what others thought I should be. I wasn’t always sure what ME liked or needed (after the pretzel years), so I asked for spiritual guidance and trusted my gut. I experimented, learned about my likes and dislikes, and then valued them. My self-love grew as I respected and celebrated my life, my body, and my choices.

I am perfectly imperfect…and that’s just fine with me.

The result of all this work on self-acceptance has paid off in spades. I love myself and my life. I know, without a doubt, that I am a precious and unique being. I am loved without measure; I am at peace, regardless of the circumstances around me.

This Valentine’s Day (and every day, for that matter), be your own valentine. Treat yourself as you would your beloved. Care for yourself with the honor and respect you deserve. Accept yourself — ALL of you. Then act like you mean it. After all, YOU will be with YOU for a long, long time!

Where are YOU on your list of people you love? First, last or somewhere in between? Do you accept, respect and love yourself? If not, what can you do to change that? How can you make yourself a priority?

Have you been there?